I am a middle aged gay man. I don't necessarily feel middle aged, but if you double my age, it reaches a number that would be considered a pretty long life. Older than my parents are now, older than the age some of my grandparents reached. So, based on that, like it or not, I'm middle aged...and gay.
It sometimes seems that my age puts me in a transitory period of the "gay movement". Somewhere between being far into the closet and part of a generation that is more accepting. Of course there are men much older than I who were brave, strong and out in a time when it was much more widely unaccepted, and I'm sure there are those who are younger than me still very far into the closet--but I still feel that I am on some cusp of wide acceptance that doesn't span my entire existence.
I currently live in the north eastern part of the United States and am more out than I've ever been in my life. All of my friends and some co-workers know that I am gay and have met my partner. However, I am still required to say "more out than I've ever been" because I can't say that I'm fully out at work. I do not openly mention my partner as the significant other in my life--meaning I don't always make casual statements equivalent to "My wife and I saw a great movie that we both loved last weekend." and there's no picture of us, arm-in-arm from many of the great trips we've taken, sitting on my desk.
However, I am pulled the farthest into the closet in my hometown and with my family. I was born and raised in the south and my family is conservative. Not really fundamentalist (save one) but still quite conservative. I can't imagine at this point the fact that I am gay hasn't crossed their minds--but we seem to have fallen into a "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy. They rarely ask about my life, or if I'm happy.
Do I wish I was completely out?
Yes.
Why am I not?
That one's not so easy to answer...
