How much destiny is in that destiny?

You always hear that you're destined to be like your parents. While there are some obvious ways in which I'm not like my father, I do see some mannerisms and behaviors that I begrudgingly admit are similar.

The thing about my father that worries me the most is how much he seems to have "checked-out" of life. Looking back I now see that he was always somewhat distant and never very emotional or particularly tuned-in to life. I didn't notice him being distant as I was growing up, probably because it was all that I knew as normal. I can't say I remember wishing my father was more like my friends' fathers.

What's frustrating now is how he seems to have generally given up. Granted, he's quite elderly and has severe scoliosis--but for years now I haven't seen any desire or effort to maintain the quality of his life. In fact, what I see is him allowing the quality of his life to deteriorate. When I'm visiting, a very large amount of his time is spent on the sofa, in front of the TV--sleeping. When having a conversation with him it usually takes some back and forth before he's making statements that are accurate. He doesn't do anything to exercise his body or his mind.

He always seems very tired. It makes me wonder if there is something I'm not aware of that he has carried with him for many years. Something over time that has worn him down. I do understand how something emotional or psychological can make you physically tired. Through the double-life I have lead in many aspects while growing up, I have regularly experienced how exhausting it can be. I can't help but wonder if there's something that has pulled him down in a similar manner. (I don't believe he is gay--judging from how I've seen him look at women in the past.)

Even though I've drastically improved my life and in some ways live much more openly, I do still sometimes find myself emotionally worn down. I can see how it might happen, but I hope I do not get to the point of ever giving up and only coasting through life.

Growing up Down South

My 'just becoming a teenager' niece has a classmate from India. Evidently he is also Muslim (he wears a funny hat), and says that he hates America.

"He's a terrorist." She concluded.

...oh dear.

Stream of consciousness

I sometimes ponder the idea of looking to nature as guide to what is considered 'natural'…or even in some cases what is considered moral.

There's the pro-creation argument for the basis of why marriage should be between a man and a woman...

Then there's the argument that a child needs a father and a mother to raise them…

The flaws in these statements seem obvious, but I'll keep going...

I am by no means an expert, but from what I understand, animals in the wild:

• Sometimes mate for life...

• Sometimes mate with many partners in a short period...

• Sometimes mate with a partner of the same sex...

• Sometimes both parents are involved in raising the young...

• Sometimes only one parent is involved in raising the young...

• Sometimes raising the young is considered the responsibility of the community...

Doesn't that whole list match up fairly well with the reality of what happens in society…whether or not it fits what is considered as 'the norm'? No matter what any argument, religion or law tries to dictate--the evidence shows me that, in reality, variations do naturally occur.

What's going on?

Sometimes I have a very strong yearning for a major change in my life. I know everyone (or at least many of us) would like our lives to be better--more money, less stress, personal fulfillment--but this seems to be something different.

At times I find myself wishing for some major event to occur within my life. An event that would bring significant change...in some cases an event that is actually tragic or morbid.

All in all, I have a lot of things to be thankful for...I am in love with and have a great relationship with my partner. I have a good job, making a relatively good salary, own a house, have my health, etc.Yet I sometimes have a longing for a major change..wishing it would happen to me rather then my making it happen.

I have taken some steps in the past--looking for another job, pursuing one of my dreams--but those have yet to yield any significant results.

Perhaps this is because I do have control of my life, but am not completely happy with how it's going. You often hear or read of someone who says "My life completely changed that day..." I can't say that I've ever had that happen to me...or if so, I didn't seem to notice or appreciate it.

Perhaps I find myself in "quiet desperation"...

All that said, I do appreciate what I have. I'm not going to stop trying to make things better and will always work to improve my life (and hopefully myself)...but my thoughts are sometimes disturbing. I know there's the obvious laziness within my wishing it would happen to me (rather than making it happen)...but why go to something tragic or morbid?

...careful what you wish for, I guess.

Straight-acting gay

The interesting thing here (or maybe it's more fascinating than interesting) is that the writer of the controversial article is gay. The posts below the article are as well worth reading as the article itself. My favorite probably being the posts about Rock Hudson...

Maybe the whole thing was just to stir up controvery and sell some magazines for Newsweek? It seems a pretty inane arguement to me that a gay man can't play straight, but a straight man can play gay. Back in high-school, I was able to keep 'girl friends' convinced for up to a year...certainly it can be done for two hours.

On a side note, my man and I recently saw the new musical with Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth (Promises, Promises), and loved it. We thought Sean did a great job, and Kristin's voice was incredible.

Losing My Religion?

This almost seems too over the top to be true...but each successive day more info is reported...

I many times chastise myself over the frustration, additional effort and pain that occurs from what I consider to be a 'double-life'...but people like this are taking it to a completely different level.

...it must be exhausting.

How many times does something like this have to happen before our social consciousness starts to comprehend what narrow-mindedness can create?

Losing the "weight" and losing the wait

Being a gay man I have often read of others coming-out experiences. Many times they speak of a "weight" being lifted from their shoulders.

I consider myself to be generally out in my life "up north". All of my friends here know that I'm gay and are also friends with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for years and have lived together for what is now the majority of those years. Being out and having found a love that is more natural to me has definitely improved my life. I am happier and more true to myself than I've ever been. This didn't all happen overnight but, as usually seems to be the case, was a slow progression over time--learning to accept that I am gay. So, if experienced, it has only been a slow removal of small amounts of "weight" at a time.

I am not out (or maybe barely out) in my life "down south". Not many people from the town I was born and raised in, know that I am gay. In fact, it is mainly just the guys I had relationships with who know.

If I am ever to feel what others have described as a "weight" being lifted, I suspect it may happen when I come out to Mother.