Wow...soon they'll be able to tell...

Just saw this on CNN regarding Don't Ask Don't Tell (DADT). Actually teared up a bit...

Thanks Dems for doing something on your way out...

One step away from the Puritans...one step closer to many other parts of the modern world.

History being made...

Fun with politics

As an experiment, and just to keep this interesting, I'll comment again on this post after November 2nd and see what's come to pass...

As a gay man this whole Tea Party movement is a bit scary. A political party in power that is more socially conservative and less friendly to gays than the Republicans? Not a good thing.

However, I am getting a kick out of the whole Christine O'Donnell thing--or as I like to call her "Sarah Palin, Jr." While she did bring a shock to Delaware with her primary win, Towleroad (one of my favorite blogs) has also pointed out a few things for voters to keep in mind, such as dabbling in witchcraft and support of ex-gay ministries.

How do sane or semi-intelligent citizens support people like this? Nonetheless it should be interesting to see what the Tea Party does for the Republicans in the future. I am amused by the in-fighting it is stirring up at the moment. Are things like this going to cost them some important seats in the upcoming election? We'll see...

I also question why the gay community is coming down so hard on Obama. Yes, we want the Democrats to get more done for us...but are the Republican or Tea Party politicians a better alternative? I think not.

That said, if anyone could make me vote Republican it would probably be Colin Powell. I remember being impressed with him many years ago (when there was a push for him to run for President), and I was impressed with him again this past Sunday on Meet the Press. He seems very practical, honest and (dare I say) full of common sense.

Traits that are good in any politician regardless of political party.

I have an answer for Tim Gunn...

Tim Gunn (of Project Runway fame), has a new book that he's promoting. He recently did a promotional interview that included the question of why he isn't out to his mother. In my current situation--being middle-aged and not out to my family--I, of course, am fascinated by this fact. Tim is quite a bit older than I am, has become quite famous, and is not out to his mother.

In the interview he states...

"I approach it this way, and please don’t think a huge of amount of discomfort didn’t permeate every molecule of my being as I was contemplating this whole thing. But I asked myself, ‘What do I gain from this and what does she gain?’ I certainly never talked about being interested in women or men with her."

My response to Tim would be that he has much to gain and much to lose. If he came out to his mother their relationship could be much stronger, bringing them closer to each other in their ability to talk about this important part of his life.

Or...it could potentially put a strain on their relationship causing them to not be as close for the remaining years of his mother's life. It depends on her reaction over the long term.

From what I've read about Tim, he was once in a serious relationship, got hurt very badly and has since not pursued a long term relationship. With this being the case, I guess it could be argued that there is less of a reason for him to come out to his mother at this point.

I am in a different situation. I am in the best relationship of my life and have been with my man for almost 8 years. If it were to be accepted and 'on the table' for normal conversation I would love to share this part of my life with my mother, if not my entire family. In fact, if my mother were able to accept that I am gay, I think she would actually be relieved to know that I am not alone and have someone with whom I am sharing my life. Even though she has never talked to me about her concerns of my being alone, I am fairly sure it makes her worry.

Nonetheless, it still comes down to the gamble or risk I'm willing to take. Am I ready if the result is becoming more distant, and is it worth it at my mother's age?

Let's think this through a bit, people...

This story seems to be changing by the moment, but I'm particularly struck by a statement from Pastor Terry Jones, the man threatening to hold a 'Koran burning' this weekend--referencing the 'mosque at ground zero' controversy.

 "Americans don't want the mosque there and of course Muslims don't want us to burn Korans," said Jones.

...but wait a minute...America is a country, Muslim is a religion (of Islam)...so his statement is a faulty comparison. Let's not forget about separation of church and state.

Muslims don't want Christians to burn the Koran in the same way that Christians don't want Muslims to burn the Bible.

I also heard an interesting argument on the Today Show this morning. Timothy McVeigh blew up a building and called himself a Christian. Has anyone demanded that no Christian church be built within a certain radius of where that incident occurred?

I guess there is an argument for free speech or right to protest here, but the fact that Muslim extremists may resort to killings puts additional responsibility on the act.

Ignoring this person may be the best road to take, but I don't think the media can resist.

Let's think about this...

The issue around building a mosque near Ground Zero.

I understand why this is so emotional for many, and am saddened when I see the right-wingers taking advantage of that emotion to drive the wedge deeper. In fact, I have wavered some on my opinion over the past few weeks, but always come back to my original reaction.

American freedom is supposed to equal freedom of religion. The Muslims should not be stereotyped because of a radical sect.

Should the Baptist community not be allowed to build a church near a military cemetery because of the Westboro Baptist Church's actions?

I don't think that divisiveness will, in any way, help to make things better.

Tweedle-dee-dee

On a recent trip home to visit my family, I made a mental note of our lack of communication. When the full family was sitting around the dinner table almost no one spoke. I tried to instigate conversations but with little success.

The other day my man commented on how we never talk...

Here come the Grooms

I recently attended a same-sex wedding for some friends of mine (really more acquaintances than friends, but was honored that they included me and my man on the invite list).

This was a legal marriage held in Massachusetts.

I found that the experience has made me more of a marriage equality supporter than I was before. I've never been against it, but have been somewhat neutral on the issue. (Maybe I'll write a 'Self-Analysis' post with more thoughts on that later...)

There were several points in the ceremony what caused me to "tear-up". Both sets of parents walking down the aisle as the ceremony began, brothers of both of the grooms in the wedding party, and a sister doing a reading. The sister read the same scripture her brother read at her wedding.

I can't imagine my family ever participating in anything like that...especially my sister.

I also found the vows and exchanging of rings quite emotional. The public proclomation of their love, and the promise of committment on the journey.

I think the overriding factor in my experience was the feeling of acceptance that it gave. Acceptance by the families of the grooms, acceptance by the state government and at least some part of society. Acceptance that this relationship, this love, this lifetime together was valid.

I don't mean to say (and hope that I don't somewhere down deep feel) that I need validation for my love and my relationship...but it does mean something to have it. Even though great strides have been made over the years, I feel that gays do in many ways live a separate life from much of "main street" society. I feel more strongly now that marriage is helping us take a step out onto that street...and there's no reason we shouldn't be there...

Funny or Scary?

I came across this video of Glenn Beck commenting on the outfit (he calls it a dress) Michelle Obama wore on a visit to the oil leak stricken Gulf Coast. At first I found it funny. Then I'm reminded that this guy has a huge following.

Definitely scary to me that a significant portion of the population finds him relevant.

Saying it out loud...

As I've obviously stated through the title of this blog, I consider myself to be middle-aged. Some of my friends (who notably are the same age as me), have said that 'middle-aged' is a little older than I am...but in doing the math, I think I'm there.

Anyway, and in getting to the title of this post, some things are likely best left bouncing around inside of my mind, rather than said out loud--but at the same time, maybe some things should be said out loud. Posts under this title (either today or in the future) will probably contain both...

I many times wonder if I'm accomplishing enough in my life. When I'm having a lazy weekend, I sometimes chide myself for not doing something more productive. What's the balance between a life enjoyed and a life of accomplishment...and which is the better?

In my life so far, I have thought about but chosen not to pursue having and raising a child or children. I feel that I still have time for this, but would not bring a child into my life without being completely out to my family. But as I think about my accomplishments (and about children), I wonder if having and raising a child gives people a default (almost assigned by society) purpose in life?

Certainly it is a worthy and valiant purpose in life. To have responsibility for another being is one of the most significant responsibilities in life. To give that being an environment in which they can flourish, in which they are safe and in which they may become a significant member of society.

While this need for a purpose in life, certainly seems to be part of "the burden of being upright", is it possible to go as far as to consider that it's an instinct that perpetuates the continuation of the species? Having a child provides a purpose and ensures the survival of the human race.

Definitely a subject that deserves some thought...at least for me...

Decision Points

Had an interesting interaction with a new colleague at work today. This new colleague is also a manager in the same department and he invited me to lunch so we could start to build a relationship and he could learn more about working with my group.

At one point the conversation turned to small talk and he asked me if I was married. I said no. He said "Really, why not?"

In the moment I initially found this to be a little invasive, but after a slight hesitation I ultimately decided to not go down the path of some vague or evasive answer.

My response was, "Well, I have a partner but it's not legal for us to get married. I'm gay."

He was very kind about it and answered with something along the lines of "Yeah, that sucks."

I'm not sure what caused this tiny moment of bravery, considering the only other time we had spoken was during his interview.

It was a good example of how gay people don't just come out once, but need to do so again and again--many times to people they hardly know. I don't know that it was any huge milestone for me personally...but I am a bit proud to have just been honest about it.

Self Analysis

So...I know in the scheme of things I am quite lucky. I have a good job with good pay and benefits. I have my health, a great partner, and good friends. I'll even go as far as putting my family in this "good" category even though we have the current gap between them knowing me fully and what our relationship would be if they did (I've covered some aspects of that in previous posts).

However, I still have times when I'm frustrated and asking myself...am I truly happy...am I making a difference...am I where I should be at this point in my life...why do I not feel that I'm living a fulfilled life? The questions that seem to lead many into a mid-life crisis.

If fact this past weekend, my friends and I were (half-jokingly) discussing if we had ever been through a mid-life crisis, and if so, what was it. Humorously enough, we decided we should coordinate any future mid-life crisis to occur as a group during a year we could spend travelling the world. If only...

When I'm thinking about this it always occurs to me that I don't feel that I have a passion in life. Which strikes me as quite sad. One of my major goals in life has been to become financially independent. Do something that will make me enough money to not have to worry about financial matters ever again.

...but...I also wonder if I were to identify my passion in life would I care as much about what I perceive as financial burdens--or material wants and needs. Is finding and acting upon your passion what leads to a more fulfilling life?

What does it mean that I haven't uncovered my life's passion at my age? I think it may be due to my fear of failure...which affects many areas of my life. Have I not found my passion because my fear keeps me from opening myself up to the opportunities needed to find it?  ...or am I emotionally "stunted" in some other way?

Stereotypical

I am known (among family, friends and co-workers) to be very open-minded and against stereotyping any group of people. However...even I will admit that I find curiosity in seeing multiples of people that fit varying stereotypical types of behavior. That curiosity turned to fascination when I came across this ex-gay video on Towleroad. This guy seems to put no stock in, or give any credence to stereotypical behavior and evidently whatever therapy he went through to become ex-gay did not involve changing his mannerisms (or fashion sense).

Ignorance can be taught (a less personal example)

If the children are our future...this video from ABC News shows that Westboro Baptist Church is doing all they can to ensure that future is bleak.

At such a young age, 'parroting' what you've been taught is understandable, it's the parents who are inexcusably and frighteningly irresponsible and unintelligent. Perhaps this is a naive statement but how does someone get to that age and only advance that far in their thoughts, opinions and beliefs. (OK...even as I typed that I realized it is probably more common than many might think.)

The boy, like his sister, still possibly has a chance. I would love to be able to fast-forward 15 to 20 years and see if he learns to think for himself and use reason and experience to form his own opinions. That said, he does appear to already have some form of hate registered in his eyes.

Ignorance can be taught

I recently attended my niece's dance recital. The recital included a guest performer who was a respectfully accomplished professional dancer. He was male and mainly performed modern dance. I thought he was pretty good and in reading his bio I learned that he was a member of one of the dance troupes that my man and I went to see a year or so ago.

The next evening when having dinner, I asked a question about this guest performer. My sister immediately began to encourage her daughter (my niece) to explain how "creepy" this guy was...

"Show him how he clapped."
My niece then put her hands up to the side of her tilted head and clapped softly in an effeminate manner.

"How did he cross his legs?"
My niece crossed her legs at her knees and then folded her hands on her top knee with a prissy look on her face.

"Tell him about his jeans."
My niece explained that his jeans had a stripe of color below the knee and then were flared at the bottom.

"Everyone was laughing at him and making fun of him."
My niece giggled.

"I didn't like him at all, I don't why he was brought in to perform."

He was gay, and my sister and niece were sharing with me how creepy they thought that was...I was both saddened and shocked...

How much destiny is in that destiny?

You always hear that you're destined to be like your parents. While there are some obvious ways in which I'm not like my father, I do see some mannerisms and behaviors that I begrudgingly admit are similar.

The thing about my father that worries me the most is how much he seems to have "checked-out" of life. Looking back I now see that he was always somewhat distant and never very emotional or particularly tuned-in to life. I didn't notice him being distant as I was growing up, probably because it was all that I knew as normal. I can't say I remember wishing my father was more like my friends' fathers.

What's frustrating now is how he seems to have generally given up. Granted, he's quite elderly and has severe scoliosis--but for years now I haven't seen any desire or effort to maintain the quality of his life. In fact, what I see is him allowing the quality of his life to deteriorate. When I'm visiting, a very large amount of his time is spent on the sofa, in front of the TV--sleeping. When having a conversation with him it usually takes some back and forth before he's making statements that are accurate. He doesn't do anything to exercise his body or his mind.

He always seems very tired. It makes me wonder if there is something I'm not aware of that he has carried with him for many years. Something over time that has worn him down. I do understand how something emotional or psychological can make you physically tired. Through the double-life I have lead in many aspects while growing up, I have regularly experienced how exhausting it can be. I can't help but wonder if there's something that has pulled him down in a similar manner. (I don't believe he is gay--judging from how I've seen him look at women in the past.)

Even though I've drastically improved my life and in some ways live much more openly, I do still sometimes find myself emotionally worn down. I can see how it might happen, but I hope I do not get to the point of ever giving up and only coasting through life.

Growing up Down South

My 'just becoming a teenager' niece has a classmate from India. Evidently he is also Muslim (he wears a funny hat), and says that he hates America.

"He's a terrorist." She concluded.

...oh dear.

Stream of consciousness

I sometimes ponder the idea of looking to nature as guide to what is considered 'natural'…or even in some cases what is considered moral.

There's the pro-creation argument for the basis of why marriage should be between a man and a woman...

Then there's the argument that a child needs a father and a mother to raise them…

The flaws in these statements seem obvious, but I'll keep going...

I am by no means an expert, but from what I understand, animals in the wild:

• Sometimes mate for life...

• Sometimes mate with many partners in a short period...

• Sometimes mate with a partner of the same sex...

• Sometimes both parents are involved in raising the young...

• Sometimes only one parent is involved in raising the young...

• Sometimes raising the young is considered the responsibility of the community...

Doesn't that whole list match up fairly well with the reality of what happens in society…whether or not it fits what is considered as 'the norm'? No matter what any argument, religion or law tries to dictate--the evidence shows me that, in reality, variations do naturally occur.

What's going on?

Sometimes I have a very strong yearning for a major change in my life. I know everyone (or at least many of us) would like our lives to be better--more money, less stress, personal fulfillment--but this seems to be something different.

At times I find myself wishing for some major event to occur within my life. An event that would bring significant change...in some cases an event that is actually tragic or morbid.

All in all, I have a lot of things to be thankful for...I am in love with and have a great relationship with my partner. I have a good job, making a relatively good salary, own a house, have my health, etc.Yet I sometimes have a longing for a major change..wishing it would happen to me rather then my making it happen.

I have taken some steps in the past--looking for another job, pursuing one of my dreams--but those have yet to yield any significant results.

Perhaps this is because I do have control of my life, but am not completely happy with how it's going. You often hear or read of someone who says "My life completely changed that day..." I can't say that I've ever had that happen to me...or if so, I didn't seem to notice or appreciate it.

Perhaps I find myself in "quiet desperation"...

All that said, I do appreciate what I have. I'm not going to stop trying to make things better and will always work to improve my life (and hopefully myself)...but my thoughts are sometimes disturbing. I know there's the obvious laziness within my wishing it would happen to me (rather than making it happen)...but why go to something tragic or morbid?

...careful what you wish for, I guess.

Straight-acting gay

The interesting thing here (or maybe it's more fascinating than interesting) is that the writer of the controversial article is gay. The posts below the article are as well worth reading as the article itself. My favorite probably being the posts about Rock Hudson...

Maybe the whole thing was just to stir up controvery and sell some magazines for Newsweek? It seems a pretty inane arguement to me that a gay man can't play straight, but a straight man can play gay. Back in high-school, I was able to keep 'girl friends' convinced for up to a year...certainly it can be done for two hours.

On a side note, my man and I recently saw the new musical with Sean Hayes and Kristin Chenoweth (Promises, Promises), and loved it. We thought Sean did a great job, and Kristin's voice was incredible.

Losing My Religion?

This almost seems too over the top to be true...but each successive day more info is reported...

I many times chastise myself over the frustration, additional effort and pain that occurs from what I consider to be a 'double-life'...but people like this are taking it to a completely different level.

...it must be exhausting.

How many times does something like this have to happen before our social consciousness starts to comprehend what narrow-mindedness can create?

Losing the "weight" and losing the wait

Being a gay man I have often read of others coming-out experiences. Many times they speak of a "weight" being lifted from their shoulders.

I consider myself to be generally out in my life "up north". All of my friends here know that I'm gay and are also friends with my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been together for years and have lived together for what is now the majority of those years. Being out and having found a love that is more natural to me has definitely improved my life. I am happier and more true to myself than I've ever been. This didn't all happen overnight but, as usually seems to be the case, was a slow progression over time--learning to accept that I am gay. So, if experienced, it has only been a slow removal of small amounts of "weight" at a time.

I am not out (or maybe barely out) in my life "down south". Not many people from the town I was born and raised in, know that I am gay. In fact, it is mainly just the guys I had relationships with who know.

If I am ever to feel what others have described as a "weight" being lifted, I suspect it may happen when I come out to Mother.

Good to hear

Even though I realize the new Arizona immigration law is the more important topic in this article on Huffington Post, I'm glad to hear that Ricky Martin got a standing ovation when appearing (for the first time since announcing he's gay) at the Billboard Latin Music Awards. I've always heard/read that the Latin community is full of machisimo and I wondered if that would come into play in their acceptance of him being gay.

At least in this case, they still love him.

Self Analysis

I recently went to see The Lion King. It was my second time to see it--the first time probably being about 7 or so years ago.

I still would very much recommend it to anyone. It's an extremely creative production. The costumes and methods they use are nothing short of spectacular.

That said, I also found that I enjoyed it less the second time. While most things must bear the law of diminishing returns, I'm not sure that fully explains the reason. My initial reaction was that I didn't remember how kid-oriented the show is--but upon further reflection of my past, that formerly would have been one of the reasons I loved it so much...

People always comment upon what a happy person I am...always smiling, always pleasant, never gets angry. To me this actually might be more along the lines of how happy I appear to be...

Nonetheless, over the past couple of years I am starting to notice what I would term as a slight loss with my 'inner child'...which in some respects saddens me.

Certainly, growing up gay and in the closet, living a sheltered and religious-oriented life in the south, and then moving to the northeast (which has some considerable differences in how people behave), would definitely be expected to cause some growth.

...and growth of course is a good thing; but if my ability (or nature) to tap into a child-like wonder gets diminished in the process, I'm not so sure it's advancement.

I want to be wise and learn from my experiences...not become bitter and resentful from them.

This is not to say that I'm bitter and resentful, but I want to stay mindful of acheiving the balance that can potentially bring me more complete happiness...

There's also some consideration of where we gays fit into the whole "circle of life" concept, but I'll save that for another post.

All that said...anyone wanting to get in touch with their inner child, should go see The Lion King.

Weird and Random

I realized on a recent birthday that only my straight friends called or emailed to wish me a happy birthday. Not one of my gay friends did. It didn't hurt my feelings or make me feel angry--just something I noted as slightly interesting.

What's going on?

I recently called my mother while my partner and I were driving back from a weekend in New York.

As I mentioned that I was returning from a weekend get away, there was an opportunity for me to elaborate more about my life. Tell her who I went with (at least by name if not by label), talk about one of the shows I went to see (which had a gay theme), etc.

There was also an opportunity for her to ask questions about my weekend. Who did I go with, what did I do while I was there, etc.

Neither of us took this opportunity. I sometimes wonder...does she sense my hesitation to sometimes divulge information, or would she rather not know?

Fun with Politics -- Mike Huckabee

Dear Mr. Huckabee,

You might want to reconsider your advice to gays that "children are not puppies".

Considering this, it probably makes more sense to direct that to anyone interested in being a parent.

Losing my religion?

My nephew's mother is concerned about the girl he is dating. He is 19 and a freshman in college.

His mother's quote. "I don't think she's the one for him. I'm afraid her faith is not as deep as his..."

Louis, Louis! - Bringing it home on DWTS

Louis Van Amstel definitely gets the "Reach out and touch Middle America" award for his marriage equality message/performance on Dancing with the Stars.

I was moved and am more of a fan than ever. Way to go!

Check it out!

What if...

I have a clear memory of lying in my bed one night...maybe around 14 or 15 years old...and deciding that I should walk into my parents bedroom and tell them that I was gay.

My parent's bedroom was next to mine, and I spent quite a bit of time in there as they were preparing to go to bed for the evening. We had many good conversations during this recurring period.

I remember feeling strongly enough about it to start to push myself up from my bed...but for some reason I didn't.

This now seems like one of those moments that, if I had acted differently, would have created a major shift in the course of my life.

What kept me from going to them...and what about my life would be different today if I had?

Would the result have been better or worse than what I have today?

How do they not know?

I received an UnderGear catalog in the mail the other day. For those of you not familiar with this catalog, at least those of you who are male, I can say with some certainty that you are not gay.

UnderGear and International Male are two clothing catalogs that offer styles that are, shall we say, a little more daring than what men can find at Gap or Banana Republic. In addition to that, the men are beautiful and in incredible shape. You can tell this from the fact that the majority of their bodies are exposed on most every page.

Suffice it to say that these catalogs (which I believe are from the same parent company) are the 13 year old gay boy's equivalent to what the Victoria's Secret catalog is to straight boys.

Growing up I had quite a collection of these catalogs, and yes, from time to time did actually order some of their clothes--but my orders where far out of proportion with the size of my catalog collection.

For some reason, I never hid this collection. I guess since it was a legitimate clothing catalog I felt safe to have them around? In hindsight, one thinks it would be clear why a young man would show such interest in these pictures, but I guess my family never noticed...or decided not to notice.

Self Analysis

For some reason I always seem to feel somewhat transitory or unable to "put down roots".

Perhaps this comes from the fact that I'm not out to my family. They wonder why I don't move back to my hometown, and I hesitate to find a house I would like to live in forever, since that would potentially cause a more explanatory conversation.

When I moved away from my home town, it was supposed to be temporary. Now more than ten years later, I have no intention of going back, but cannot share with my family the reasons why. Even when those reasons are the facts that I have found a partner in life and am happier than I've ever been.

Also, perhaps there is something about the gay lifestyle not fitting into the social norms that gives me this transitory feeling. I know many other gay couples have bought the "house with the picket fence", and even had the 2.3 children. Whether they are trying to fit in or actually are, I'm not sure. I just know that for some reason I haven't yet learned how to settle...

Ricky Martin - Another One for All

So how about we skip all the sarcastic remarks such as...

"Wow...big surprise."

"He should have done this years ago."

...and just go with...

"Good for you...and good for us. Wishing you nothing but the best!"

Losing My Religion?

Talking to my mother the other day, and marveling at how conservative one of my siblings has become, she told me an interesting story about one of the ministers at her church.

What she told me, was something along the lines of...

"One of our ministers was talking about his children, and he casually mentioned that one of his sons is gay...and he didn't even blink or duck his head as he said it."

This minister is 80 years old.

Fun with Politics

So they'll be more careful about when or how they ask?

...but once they do ask...being a homosexual is still unacceptable?

Maybe this is a step forward that they think the conservatives can swallow? Seems fairly feeble to me, but if it's heading towards a complete ban of DADT...

Growing Up Down South

From one of my favorite blogs, Towleroad...

Very sad to see this young man being treated so badly (including the treatment he's getting from his parents), but I also have to say I have a lot of respect for someone so young being so brave and honest.

He only wanted to take his boyfriend to prom. In many articles these days you read more and more about how tolerant and open the younger generation is...but of course there are still exceptions...probably more prevalent in the south.

Also interesting how the biggest problem for both fellow students, and his mother, is all the attention this has brought to them.

As I've mentioned before...keeping up appearances...

Self Analysis

Fear is a bitch!

Sometimes I find my fear of failure is paralyzing, and as a result I don't always try...

I must learn that not trying is the failure...

As corny as it sounds there's truth to it. If something doesn't work, at least you tried and were probably either more successful than you thought, or at least you learned something.

If you do nothing, failure is easily achieved.

It makes me furious...

...when someone says being gay is a choice. Perhaps I say this because I spent at least 15 years trying to choose not being gay. During this period I was having sex with other guys (one who was eventually married), while telling my girlfriends that I didn't believe in pre-marital sex.

I can say I did almost everything possible to convince myself that I'm not gay, but since I first started to accept that I was gay (roughly 7 years ago), I've realized it's how I was made.

Perhaps there are some who are "middle of the scale" bi-sexual who might make a choice one way or the other, once finding a life-partner, but put a naked guy and a naked girl in front of me there's no choice between what's real and what's pretending.

There's a John Stewart quote that every straight person should consider, "...and when did you choose to be straight?"

Growing Up Down South

My southern family is quite sheltered and in some ways quite naive. I think that some of the sheltered life they have lived is by choice...perhaps a choice of safety. They are also extremely influenced by appearances. This has multiple facets to it but one tough part about this for me was being so concerned about what others might think of you. Meaning what would they think of you if you wore the wrong kind of shoes, or what might be perceived as a strange shirt...much less something along the lines of being gay...

My Mom reminded me of her innocence the other day. Since I live far away and we talk regularly on the phone, our conversations seem to have developed to a level of her being more comfortable telling me things about herself. (She and I have always been the ones who related the best to each other in the family.)

The other night, while she was talking about a recent doctor's appointment, she commented on how she hates the fact that she is ticklish and always giggles when a doctor touches her stomach. She said that she's always worried that this would cause the doctor to think she was sexually attracted to him.

I told her I'm sure many people are ticklish and I'm sure doctors see it all the time.

Fun with Politics

A couple of reasons to stop being so hard on Obama and the Democrats...both brought to us via Boy Culture...one of my favorites.

Middle of the Roadkill

Taken for a Ride

Such a good listener

All of my life, I've been called a good listener, or referred to as someone who is easy to talk to--"I can tell you anything."

This is not some great trait bestowed upon me, but actually a skill developed early in life to keep the topics of conversation on the other person, so as not to expose the opportunity of focus on myself, and the things about my life which had been labeled as wrong or shameful.

How do they not know?

When making the long drive from my southern hometown, to visit my grandparents in a northern state, I would play and sing broadway musicals the whole way. One time I subjected my parents to Evita for pretty much the entire drive. A few years later, the same trip was filled with The Phantom of the Opera...over and over again.

Love's broadway musicals or show tunes...check!

Contradictions

My life seems to have been full of many contradictions. Not uncommon for a gay person still partially or fully in the closet. One contradiction thats always stood out for me is the combination of being introduced to sex at a very early age, and growing up within a conservative family.

When I was young there were multiple incidents of my friends and I pulling down our pants, looking at each other, etc. This, I believe, is a common occurence among children and nothing but natural curiosity and exploration. I say this because it happened (separately) with probably all of my childhood friends, at one point or another.

However, there was one friend, a few years older, who knew about more things to do. He began to show me these things, and though there was some guilt associated, it felt good so we continued to do it from time to time. In hindsight I now suspect that unfortunately some adult must have been doing these same things to him and he was going with what he had learned. While he was older than I, he was still too young to know about these things, and too young for any malicious intent.

Overtime, what we did grew into sexual acts. This was before I had been taught anything about sex from my parents or even heard very much in the hallways at (elementary) school. So when it did become time for me to learn about sex, and my family and church began to teach me that pre-marital sex was a sin--that was obviously a problem.

I then understood, and at that time believed, that pre-marital sex was a sin...yet I was already having sex. Add to that the fact that I was doing this with the wrong type of person...someone of the same sex rather than the opposite sex...how was I ever to get past the sin of pre-marital sex if I could never marry the person I was having sex with?

A lot to carry around in a young boy's mind.

Rachel Maddow says it so much better than I

Point in case? This article and video on Huffington Post.

Getting my attention

The more I hear from, or read about, Meghan McCain the more she has my attention. One example being this article and vido clip on Huffington Post.

Common Sense or Naivety?

It seems to me that the policital climate and status-quo in this country has changed significantly. It's very polarized and almost clique-y like the days of high school. "My team is best, no matter what!"

Shouldn't there be a period between elections when politicians work to find the best solution possible considering their differences? Not just blindly (and immediately) say no if the idea came from the other team?

So many seem to always be in a mode of running for the next election and screaming about how the other guys are idiots.

Colin Firth Oscar Nom for 'A Single Man'

I'm so glad to see that Colin Firth got a Best Actor Oscar Nomination for his lead role in Tom Ford's A Single Man. It's a great book that I would definitely recommend, and Mr. Ford did an admirable job making its transition to the big screen. The first few pages of that book literally took my breath away.

I can't say I'm excited to hear his sentiments on being gay in Hollywood, but as he states I'm sure there are still some boundries in play within Hollywood. Thank goodness we have the likes of Neil Patrick Harris and Cheyenne Jackson helping to break those boundries down, and show that a gay actor can be great in a lead role as a straight character.

Maybe this is starting to get some traction...

Maybe the repeal of DADT is starting to get better traction. This story got top billing on Huffington Post today. Adm. Mike Mullen stated that it is wrong to force people to "lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens."

They've also got a separate article on McCain and his various statements on this topic.

If you abide by the law, you should be protected by it

CNN posted this article and clip of Obama's recent State of the Union Address. The first few lines from the speech in this clip are excellent statements on any civil rights. With regard to the main subject of the article, it will be very interesting to see is DADT is repealed in 2010. Hopefully it was my imagination, but the "military contingent" in the audience seemed to look terrified as Obama made this statement.

Isn't it ironic...

...that my partner does such a great job reminding me of my family member's birthdays, etc., while they have no idea of how important he is to me--nor of this small service he provides to their benefit.

Middle Aged Gay

I am a middle aged gay man. I don't necessarily feel middle aged, but if you double my age, it reaches a number that would be considered a pretty long life. Older than my parents are now, older than the age some of my grandparents reached. So, based on that, like it or not, I'm middle aged...and gay.

It sometimes seems that my age puts me in a transitory period of the "gay movement". Somewhere between being far into the closet and part of a generation that is more accepting. Of course there are men much older than I who were brave, strong and out in a time when it was much more widely unaccepted, and I'm sure there are those who are younger than me still very far into the closet--but I still feel that I am on some cusp of wide acceptance that doesn't span my entire existence.

I currently live in the north eastern part of the United States and am more out than I've ever been in my life. All of my friends and some co-workers know that I am gay and have met my partner. However, I am still required to say "more out than I've ever been" because I can't say that I'm fully out at work. I do not openly mention my partner as the significant other in my life--meaning I don't always make casual statements equivalent to "My wife and I saw a great movie that we both loved last weekend." and there's no picture of us, arm-in-arm from many of the great trips we've taken, sitting on my desk.

However, I am pulled the farthest into the closet in my hometown and with my family. I was born and raised in the south and my family is conservative. Not really fundamentalist (save one) but still quite conservative. I can't imagine at this point the fact that I am gay hasn't crossed their minds--but we seem to have fallen into a "don't ask, don't tell" philosophy. They rarely ask about my life, or if I'm happy.

Do I wish I was completely out?
Yes.

Why am I not?
That one's not so easy to answer...